Day Two: Inadequateness

I go to a predominantly white institution. According to the Forbes website, African-Americans make up 12.48% of the student population, while whites make up 53.36%. Now that I'm in my second year, I actually notice now just how true this data is.

It always seems to be that whenever I am in the middle of taking a test or quiz, that is when I really have time to sit and think about my life and if this is the direction I really want to be taking right now (think I said that about being at work too). Is school really for me? Did my instructor really expect me to understand all this information to be able to ace this assessment that I am taking right now? What would everyone think if I just get up and leave, right now, and never come back?

My instructor had us read over 40 pages of theories and poems by today, and for some reason I really did not expect any of my classmates to do such a thing. But as class went on and after bombing a quiz, I realized I was probably the only one who didn't do what was expected. Then I didn't participate in discussion (but do I ever) because I was just too ashamed that I would raise my hand and say something completely dumb and irrelevant that is not articulate or shows that I can think critically. I can conclude that she can already see me failing her course. What does this has to do with white people? Well, a lot. It's really easy to feel like you don't belong in a place where people don't look like you.

I may or may not have cried when I got back to my room. After speaking a few negative things over myself I remembered (but I never forgot) my Prayer challenge and decided to pray about inadequacy.

I feel inadequate when I am given a task and I don't feel like I have the qualities to complete it, or when I can't comprehend things as quickly as those around me. When I'm doing well in one class, the rest usually suffer. I just feel like I'm not meant to be in school. I may be right about that, but it is not because I am not smart, which is a lie that I believe(d).

Moses in the Bible felt very inadequate when God called him to deliver His people out of Egypt. He messed up many times, continued to doubt himself, and told God to just send someone else (Exodus 4:13). But God knew what He was doing, and continued to stay by Moses' side, and eventually Moses followed through to be awarded not only in Heaven, but also got his own cool story in the Bible!

I got into this school by God's grace alone, so there is a big chance that I belong here *sigh*. Even if other challenges concerning school or anything in life come my way that shakes my faith in the plans that God has for me, I can't let it overtake me or make to believe that I am not cut out for this. If God has chosen me, there is no way I can fail, unless I choose to. That ain't a option for me all the time.

Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.
-Isaiah 43:4