"What You Doin'"

Sometimes I have mini conversations with God before I enter or partake in anything that will hold any type of significance to me later on in life. Usually within these conversations, I get a sense of God telling me "this isn't going to work." Backtrack, before I come to that conclusion, I hear a series of questions, like "how do you expect this to work out?" "where do you see yourself going with this?" "how long do you see yourself going with this?" type of questions. Maybe these questions come from my own consciousness, because then I later, although sooner, tell myself "this is going to suck so much when it's over lol."

I'm currently reading this book for my English class called Sylvia's Lovers by Elizabeth Gaskell. It's about a girl around my age who lives in England, an only child, in the 1790s. In that time period I assume it was acceptable to marry your cousin, unless it is some type of figure of speech, because her 'cousin' really fancied her, but she had her eyes set on someone else. Anyways, the homeboy who fancied her as well got forced to enlist in the Navy before he could officially marry Sylvia. Her cousin watched as the homeboy was being kidnapped and did not rely his last words for Sylvia to her. Instead, he made up some lie that homeboy was dead, leaving her no choice but to move on and marry her cousin, and have a child by him. I think, I haven't gotten that far in the book yet. If you haven't noticed, I'm the type to read/watch every spoiler possible before indulging in a show, book, or movie. Anyways, homeboy comes back from the Navy and finds out Sylvia went and married her cousin, breaking their promise to each other. Sylvia is mad at her cousin-now-husband for lying to her all this time and couldn't forgive him. Homeboy goes on to marry someone else and goes back to the Navy, I guess he liked it. Cuzzo also enlists himself so that he may win the heart back of his lover. He goes to the war, gets disfigured unrecognizable by a bomb, and comes home hiding from his family. In the end, Sylvia and her cousin-now-husband reunite on his death bed and they basically forgive each other.

Now, that is just a sad story. She not only doesn't get to marry the man she was dreaming of marrying, but she gets betrayed into marrying her cousin for his selfish reasons! Or, maybe he was trying to protect her because based on what I've read so far, homeboy was sort of a womanizer. That is why in this day and age we have cellphones and social media accounts and all that for this reason exactly. Even though they reconciled in the end, can you imagine how their whole lives leading up to this moment could've been so...horrid? Life is too short for all that.

What does this book I'm reading have to do with me? Simply put, I don't want to be that girl at all. I really just want my love life to be chill, no wahala. Of course that probably won't happen. I probably won't meet him at Starbucks, and just start talking, and we just both happen to be single ready for marriage. Those things actually don't happen to a girl like me. For one, if I were to actually meet a boy at Starbucks and he tried to hit it off and seemed like the type to be married within the next year, I would most def. panic and block his number right after obtaining it. It's happened, but it wasn't at Starbucks.

Anyways for the third time, sometimes I hear God so tangibly tell me to guard myself and to be careful, or to be real with myself (happened in 10th grade), and other times...I don't really hear much of anything. Maybe it's because my thoughts get so clouded. Lately I've just been hearing, "it's your choice." When that happens, I just try to go on my own instinct and become very reasonable with myself on whether the things I'm pursuing right now are meant to even be pursued, by me.

My first ever favorite scripture is Romans 15:13. I have it right above my bed. It says:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the holy Spirit you may abound in hope."

Whatever path I choose, I believe that it is also the path that God has chosen for me before time began. I believe that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now. Kind of, honestly. I always ask God to order my steps so I have to be on the right path. Whatever path I choose, whatever decision I make, is God-ordained.