Sand

I always wonder what people's perception of me is. Am I mean? Rude? Are my jokes too cruel? Do I give bad advice? Do I ever make sense when I speak? Am I approachable?  I'm learning that how I am perceived by one person is not the same as the next person, based on my history with them and based on their own personality. Therefore, wondering how I am perceived by people is pretty pointless, because, what happens if I know how I am perceived? How will I try to change to make sure I am being perceived the way I want to be perceived by everyone? Would that even work out?

I went to the beach the other day and I could not stop looking at the sand. God's precious thoughts towards us outnumber the grains of sand. I can't even think of 100 positive things about me. If I dwelled on the millions of thoughts God has for me, I could never have a low self-esteem. I could never self-doubt. I could never fear. I could never worry. I could never complain! A lot of our issues are based on our thoughts and the battle that goes on in our minds (2 Corinthians 3-5). I don't know about you, but I often think I'm not good enough or that the problems that I'm facing are to much to overcome so it is just better to live with it. That of course, is a lie. No problem is too big for God of course, and I'm definitely more than good enough in His eyes.

I desire to know what God thinks about me. I've tried to be what I thought people wanted but that was hard work, to the point where the other side, the side I tried to hide from people, bursted out at the wrong moments lol. I want to be able to always be aware that God has me no matter what troubles I go through, and not have my emotions rule over my life. I know life ain't perfect perfect. I fall short sometimes, but that doesn't worry God. With the countless good thoughts God has for me, there is absolutely no space for depression, stress, anger, unworthiness, anxiety, and so on to be apart of me. It can't even be a part of me because contrary thoughts equal double-mindedness, which leads to unstable ways (James 1:8).

Strive to constantly meditate on the thoughts God has for you, and watch how your views of yourself begin to shift to how He views you.

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.

   They cannot be numbered!

I can’t even count them;

   they outnumber the grains of sand!

And when I wake up,

   you are still with me!

-Psalm 139: 17-18

Day Seven to Twelve: Choices

I decided to make this a weekly thing for obvious reasons.

This week I really just reflected on my life and significant moments throughout my walk with Christ. It has been such a journey.

I was always given a choice, whether I knew at the moment or not. I was given a choice to study for my tests or cheat, to give my silver coins to the poor or to walk past them, to follow God or do me, and much lighter choices, like waking up on time for work. Each option no matter what has a consequence, good or bad, but there is always a choice.

God does not limit Himself nor us to such a place where we feel like we are in bondage to do something. He gives us choices and convictions to point us to His perfect will, but He never forces us, which is one thing I'm learning. God has chosen so many people throughout the bible to do His will because He knew they had the capacity to do it, and they also chose to accept His plans for them.

Everyday I make a conscious effort and choose to follow Jesus. I chose to give my life to Him about four years ago, and each day I gotta remind myself of that decision I made and choose to live by that decision. That is how my relationship will grow. Same way with my friendships, I've chosen them , and I've chosen the ones I wasn't to maintain. And because I am your friend, I choose to be apart of your life and have you apart of mine. Same way with my family, I did not technically get to choose which family I will be born into, but everyday I choose to accept, acknowledge, and love them for who they are.

I can choose everyday to be happy or sad, because my emotions do not run me, contrary to that movie  Inside Out. I can choose to enjoy my life or constantly fear for my future. Theres just so many things to choose from!

I pray that my everyday choices align with Gods perfect will. Like I said before, there were points in my life where I just could not fade dropping things that I thought were already good in order to receive the perfect thing God has for me.

So yeah, never settle. Choose the greater good. Aspire to be the best you that you can be. Strive to live the life God has for you.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. -Ephesians 2:10

Day Four, Five, and Six: Patience

Haven't missed any days, just been praying about the same things.

Patience is a trait that I really desire to have. Patience is a fruit of the spirit (long suffering, Galatians 5:22) and makes up part of the definition of what love (Jesus) is ( 1 Corinthians 13:4). I have a decent amount of patience in certain aspects of my life, but not in all, like waiting for people to respond or for my food to be ready (and deeper stuff of course).

Patience is just a beautiful thing to have. Patience means slow to anger, gentleness, having faith/ trusting in God, and stuff like that.

Rushing does nothing to benefit or advance us in life. In some cases, eventually we'll have to either slow down or turn back and fix our mistakes in the places that we rushed in. Imagine if God would have rushed creating this world, us, and everything else. There's really no imagining, we'll probably all be in chaos. Do we even know how long a day was before time was created? Just know, God took His time, as intelligent, as wise, as powerful as He is. And with patience comes excellence.

He's even patient with us. I can be stubborn with God and annoying with my prayer requests (even after I've gotten an answer, just wanna be sure), but He just tells me the same thing, in the same tone, with the same calm attitude.

Patience isn't easy I assume with some versions calling it "long suffering." I like to complaining sometimes and give up, or make sure someone hears my mind before apologizing (or accepting one). The development of patience comes from the Holy Spirit, because it is a fruit.

So yeah, my prayer is for God to teach me to be patient in the areas that I need patience in. To be slow to getting angry, offended, and choosing to forgive and believe the best in myself and others :) Teach me how to walk in the Spirit daily and not the works of my flesh. Amen.

Day Three: Desires

The desires of our heart can either be birth from God, or from our life experiences and what we choose to allow in our hearts. I guess today I decided to pray about desires because sometimes I know I have godly desires, but my experiences and what I allow myself to see pollute those desires.

Desires can really get your in trouble sometimes. Let us say you're a female, and you really want to get married (its the easiest example, bear with me), but you aren't even seeing anyone right now and no one is looking at you. The desire to get married is godly (and so is sex), but the timing may just not be right now. So instead of patiently waiting for whoever God has for you, you probably start comparing your love life to your friends, who got boys hitting them up every other day, or who you feel as though when their time comes, they will never have to worry about whether or not they'll ever find the one. You, on the other hand, may start feeling self-conscious and ugly and undesirable and all that, OR you decide to fill your mind with impure thoughts about marriage and stuff like that OR you even try to jump on to the first male who shows you the slightest bit of attention.

I don't know, I have desires and I have constantly been talking to God about them, but because they are new desires that I've never experienced before, I pray for them to go away lol. But when they don't, how do I make sure that I keep them godly? How do I make sure I stay on God's side?

Psalms 37:5 says "Commit your way to the Lord; trust Him and He will act"
Proverbs 16: 1-3 says "The preparations of the heart belong to man, But the answer of the tongue is from the Lord. All the ways of a man are pure in His own eyes, But the Lord weighs the spirits. Commit your works to the Lord, And your thoughts will be established."
and lastly Proverbs 19:9 says "A mans hearts plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps"

If my desires are not from God, I trust that He will remove them from my heart if I ask Him to. Everyday is a daily rededication of my life to the Father. I have to submit my thoughts, my will, my emotions, and my desires to Him every single day so that those scriptures stated above can be established in my life.

Theres also the desire to just want to know God. Sometimes we don't know how to go deeper with God. But it's really simple and crazy; ask God to give you a desire to know Him. Can you imagine asking someone to give you a desire to know them? They'll probably think..some crazy thoughts. But God already knows that our beings crave Him, whether we are saved or not, which explains Psalms 119:81. If our spirit soul and body crave the Lord, then all we need to do is align ourselves to put our spirit's desires in front of everything that makes up who we are. That is where we ask God to help us.

So yeah. Desires, not all are bad, but not all are from God. And not all that are from God come from a godly place. So pray, and seek God's wisdom concerning your desires, and let God be the director.

Day Two: Inadequateness

I go to a predominantly white institution. According to the Forbes website, African-Americans make up 12.48% of the student population, while whites make up 53.36%. Now that I'm in my second year, I actually notice now just how true this data is.

It always seems to be that whenever I am in the middle of taking a test or quiz, that is when I really have time to sit and think about my life and if this is the direction I really want to be taking right now (think I said that about being at work too). Is school really for me? Did my instructor really expect me to understand all this information to be able to ace this assessment that I am taking right now? What would everyone think if I just get up and leave, right now, and never come back?

My instructor had us read over 40 pages of theories and poems by today, and for some reason I really did not expect any of my classmates to do such a thing. But as class went on and after bombing a quiz, I realized I was probably the only one who didn't do what was expected. Then I didn't participate in discussion (but do I ever) because I was just too ashamed that I would raise my hand and say something completely dumb and irrelevant that is not articulate or shows that I can think critically. I can conclude that she can already see me failing her course. What does this has to do with white people? Well, a lot. It's really easy to feel like you don't belong in a place where people don't look like you.

I may or may not have cried when I got back to my room. After speaking a few negative things over myself I remembered (but I never forgot) my Prayer challenge and decided to pray about inadequacy.

I feel inadequate when I am given a task and I don't feel like I have the qualities to complete it, or when I can't comprehend things as quickly as those around me. When I'm doing well in one class, the rest usually suffer. I just feel like I'm not meant to be in school. I may be right about that, but it is not because I am not smart, which is a lie that I believe(d).

Moses in the Bible felt very inadequate when God called him to deliver His people out of Egypt. He messed up many times, continued to doubt himself, and told God to just send someone else (Exodus 4:13). But God knew what He was doing, and continued to stay by Moses' side, and eventually Moses followed through to be awarded not only in Heaven, but also got his own cool story in the Bible!

I got into this school by God's grace alone, so there is a big chance that I belong here *sigh*. Even if other challenges concerning school or anything in life come my way that shakes my faith in the plans that God has for me, I can't let it overtake me or make to believe that I am not cut out for this. If God has chosen me, there is no way I can fail, unless I choose to. That ain't a option for me all the time.

Since you were precious in My sight,
You have been honored,
And I have loved you;
Therefore I will give men for you,
And people for your life.
-Isaiah 43:4

Day One: Fear

I talk about fear a lot. I think that fear is the biggest thing that Christians, and people in general, struggle with so often. There are so many things that tie in with fear; it can prevent one from going deeper with God, or keep  another from walking in the complete and perfect will that God has for them, or even keep them from following their dreams that they ever so desire to make a reality. There are so many things that we can fear. There's the fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, fear of not being in the place where God wants you to be (how ironic), fear of not graduating, fear of living a mediocre life, and so on.

I of course identify with many of those fearful things. They honestly are "fearful" things that nobody wants to see themselves in. Who wants to fail or give up on a work they have already started, when they can easily save them the trouble by not starting it in the first place!

Fear plays a huge part in the reason why when God gives us an assignment and tells us to "go," we say "no" and either come up with excuses or turn a deaf ear like we all of a sudden don't hear God for ourselves. I can be the first (or last) to admit that fear has crippled my life in such a terrible way. Fear creates insecurities, crushes dreams, and it could leave you stagnant.

Examples of my fears include not being good enough for people, and anything that includes me not being able to provide for my family and myself. I've avoided doing ministry related work since I've been saved, not because I don't think that God hasn't called me to it, but because I just feel like I will be a sucky leader. Up until yesterday, I was very content with living a mediocre life, so that was not one of my fears lol. If God were to tell me to drop something that I was doing and give me a few instructions on an assignment He really wants me to do, but tells me that I have a choice to just stay where I'm at because of His awesome and wonderful grace, I of course without a doubt will take that opportunity to stay exactly where I am at as long as God still blesses me, with no intentions of ever having to get our of my comfort zone. 

Psalms 56:3-4

 Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God (I will praise His word), in God I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?

Psalms 56: 11 

 In God I put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

Psalms 118: 6 

 The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me?

Hebrews 13: 6

 So we boldly say: The Lord is my helper, I will not fear. What can man do to me?

I'm not a bible scholar or nothing, but the fact that this phrase is written in four different passages must mean something and prove that it needs emphasis in case you missed it the first time it popped up. What can man to do you? Clearly, nothing. I trust the Lord, because He is on our side, and because He is on our side, we have no reason to fear, therefore we won't fear; and because we do not fear, because the Lord is with us, man can do nothing do nothing to us. Man can't get in between God and I. It's simple!

God is a God of excellence so He gives us options, but there is a perfect will that He has for all of us that He has had since before time even existed. That is a lot right there, but it's still very true.

So my prayer is that God will remove every ounce of fear that has ever and will ever prevent us from getting closer to you (God) and the destiny you have for us. That we will step out of fear and right into faith, joy, and confidence that is inside of you. We no longer identify with the fear that has stuck with us for however long, but we are now completely courageous in Christ, because that is one of the many reasons why your son Jesus died for us. Even if I fail, lose everything, or nothing turns out the way I want it to, God you are still on my side, therefore I have no reason to fear. Amennnn.